16 grim reasons you should NEVER visit a desert

The desert

Contents

9 grim things about deserts

>> 7 creatures you wouldn’t wanna bump into in a desert

I’m talking about the beautiful sandy wilderness you thought would be the perfect place to find yourself, I won’t be ruining any dessert treats for you today. Eat that third piece of cake, I’m not judging.

Anyway, deserts are found on every continent and they cover more than a fifth of the Earth’s land.

Some people regularly visit deserts, such as to collect creatures for food, research creatures, maintain power plants and work on other constructions, and some people even live in desert regions – supposedly “more than one billion people, one-sixth of the Earth’s population”. And some people just want somewhere secret to get trippy or bury a body.

  1. The heat will kill you

Dehydration, exhaustion, burning hot skin, it can all kill – especially since daytime temperature in some deserts can reach 54°C. You can only carry as much as your strength will allow and once you’ve drunk or spilt it (of all the times for an accident to happen though, really?!), you’re fucked.

  1. The night will kill you

If you survive a day in the desert, the night will probably kill you anyway. The saying goes that the hotter it is in the day, the colder it is at night but while this isn’t true for everywhere, it is for deserts.

  1. Sandstorms

Spreading for miles across the flat ground, wind can easily cause sandstorms, sending gusts of it into your eyes, up your nose and down your throat.

  1. Cacti

Don’t confuse them with the cute spiky things your granny puts on her windowsill… Desert cacti is vicious since the spines can lodge deep into the skin and even cause spinal injuries. If that ain’t bad enough, they could be filled with tons of red spider mites. STAY AWAY.

  1. Sketchy people

People come to the desert to do grim things in private. Burying bodies, murder weapons, their heroin stash. Committing murders, torturing victims, I could keep going. Not good to stumble upon as an accidental witness.

  1. Tumbleweed

via GIPHY

Yeah this one sounds daft but hear me out, ok? Tumbleweed can be over six feet tall and it’s an enormous fire hazard – and with the heat of the sun, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to have a big fiery ball bouncing towards you when your back is turned.

  1. People tripping

Get hungry at home and you can order a kebab. Get hungry in the desert while tripping and someone might try to eat you. It’s all fun and games until someone tripping comes running at you licking their lips.

  1. Ghost towns

There are abandoned towns near so many deserts. Or are they just abandoned towns? Who’s to say they’re not TOWNS FULL OF GHOSTS? And if they are, is what killed the inhabitants waiting for new prey to arrive?

  1. Mirages

Are they caused by dehydration or are deserts full of victims just walking around? And invisible pubs?

7 creatures you wouldn’t wanna bump into in a desert

  1. Grim bug swarms

You’ll find all sorts of creepy crawlies and deadly creatures lurking in the sand. Swarms of flying bugs travel across the desert, biting every person and animal on the way.

  1. Snakes

Snakes can still bite you AFTER THEIR HEADS HAVE BEEN CHOPPED OFF.

  1. Female black widow spiders

The female black widow spider is the deadliest, most venomous spider in North America and they CANNIBALISE THEIR OWN PARTNERS after mating.

  1. Tarantulas

They aren’t poisonous, but do you really wanna feel a tickle and see one crawling up your leg?

  1. Scorpions

National Geographic reckons about 30 – 40 different species of scorpions are poisonous enough to kill a human and some stings can kill you within 24 hours. Is it even possible to make it out of the desert within 24 hours when you’re dying of poison?

  1. Coyotes

Coyotes look pretty cute, but there are stories of them attacking people and their pets in back gardens, so I wouldn’t wanna bump into one in the desert where there’s nowhere to run and hide.

  1. Vultures

Vultures survive on bones and meat. Stand or lie still for too long catching your breath and they might just come to gnaw at you. If you’re lucky they’ll at least wait ’til you’re 100% dead, not just 99% dead.

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