- Jade love eggs
Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop genuinely tried to sell genuine Jade crystal love eggs. If you’re unsure, love eggs are put inside a woman’s vagina to help strengthen the muscles. Anyway… one issue here is that Jade is a porous material, meaning it has small holes and could collect fluids while inside a woman.
She also made unscientific claims about vaginal eggs, for which she was taken to court and fined $145,000 (£112,000).
- A vagina candle
Have you ever seen a product called ‘This smells like my vagina candle’ and thought “ooh that sounds relaxing!”. Gwyneth seemed to think we would. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?!
- Psychic vampire repellent
‘If there’s a more pleasurable way to banish psychic vampires, we don’t know it. This essential oil blend of lavender, rosemary, and juniper is an energy-refreshing scent with a tendency to conjure up positivity.’
The instructions say to ‘Spray around the aura to protect from psychic attack and emotional harm.’ And it’s only $27! For a few combined essential oils? Bargain… I’ll have three.
- A coffee enema
For those that don’t know, an ‘enema’ basically involves having your bum cleaned out. Having a colonic genuine thing which people do to feel cleansed. But the coffee part of Gwyneth’s product isn’t to drink. She isn’t saying ‘clean yourself and have a brew!’, she’s recommending that you clean yourself with the brew. Confused?
For $135, the ‘Implant O-Rama System At-Home Coffee Enema’ aims to clean you out while giving you a rush like you’ve never experienced before.
- A vaginal steam cleaning kit
Gwyneth has been outspoken about the steam cleaning of her vagina, and despite all those nay-sayers, her company still proudly recommends the $77 Devi Steam Seat. It’s basically a fancy leg-less Baltic wood toilet seat that you place over a pan of boiling water while obsessively worrying that you won’t wobble and end up in hospital.
And now for some grim prices. Some people sure are greedy, huh?
- A solid gold dildo
… costing $15,000. Bargain.
- The $244 toothpaste squeezer
The grim thing here isn’t the product… it’s the price. $244 to get the last few pennies worth out of your £3 tube of toothpaste? Yeah, I can’t see anyone getting their money’s worth unless it gets passed down in the will for multiple generations. Thanks Gwyneth but I’ll stick to squeezing it.
- The $2,300 gold playing cards
Again, the price of this is crazy. I mean, do I want to be able to say that I own 24 carat gold playing cards? Yes. But I think I’d rather go on a luxury holiday or pay off some of my mortgage instead of spending $2,300 on the set. But that’s just me. Maybe the leather holder makes it worth it? It’s all in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
- The $3,000 jellyfish tank
Jellyfish: they’re quieter than a barking dog and easier to look after than cats. If you want pets more dangerous than fish, they need a tank – I don’t know about spending almost $3,000 on one, although the ‘Darwin Tank’ aquarium probably looks way cooler than a lava lamp when it’s full.