9 grim products (and prices) Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop has listed

Gwyneth Paltrow Goop
  1. Jade love eggs
The $66 Jade egg is
 

Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop genuinely tried to sell genuine Jade crystal love eggs. If you’re unsure, love eggs are put inside a woman’s vagina to help strengthen the muscles. Anyway… one issue here is that Jade is a porous material, meaning it has small holes and could collect fluids while inside a woman.

She also made unscientific claims about vaginal eggs, for which she was taken to court and fined $145,000 (£112,000).

  1. A vagina candle
The $75 candle.
 

Have you ever seen a product called ‘This smells like my vagina candle’ and thought “ooh that sounds relaxing!”. Gwyneth seemed to think we would. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?!

  1. Psychic vampire repellent
$30 bottle of the
 

‘If there’s a more pleasurable way to banish psychic vampires, we don’t know it. This essential oil blend of lavender, rosemary, and juniper is an energy-refreshing scent with a tendency to conjure up positivity.’

The instructions say to ‘Spray around the aura to protect from psychic attack and emotional harm.’ And it’s only $27! For a few combined essential oils? Bargain… I’ll have three.

  1. A coffee enema
 

For those that don’t know, an ‘enema’ basically involves having your bum cleaned out. Having a colonic genuine thing which people do to feel cleansed. But the coffee part of Gwyneth’s product isn’t to drink. She isn’t saying ‘clean yourself and have a brew!’, she’s recommending that you clean yourself with the brew. Confused?

For $135, the ‘Implant O-Rama System At-Home Coffee Enema’ aims to clean you out while giving you a rush like you’ve never experienced before.

 
  1. A vaginal steam cleaning kit

Gwyneth has been outspoken about the steam cleaning of her vagina, and despite all those nay-sayers, her company still proudly recommends the $77 Devi Steam Seat. It’s basically a fancy leg-less Baltic wood toilet seat that you place over a pan of boiling water while obsessively worrying that you won’t wobble and end up in hospital.

 

And now for some grim prices. Some people sure are greedy, huh?

 
  1. A solid gold dildo

… costing $15,000. Bargain.

 
The $15,000 vibratdescription is
 
  1. The $244 toothpaste squeezer
The toothpaste squeezer
 

The grim thing here isn’t the product… it’s the price. $244 to get the last few pennies worth out of your £3 tube of toothpaste? Yeah, I can’t see anyone getting their money’s worth unless it gets passed down in the will for multiple generations. Thanks Gwyneth but I’ll stick to squeezing it.

 
  1. The $2,300 gold playing cards
Gold playing cards
 

Again, the price of this is crazy. I mean, do I want to be able to say that I own 24 carat gold playing cards? Yes. But I think I’d rather go on a luxury holiday or pay off some of my mortgage instead of spending $2,300 on the set. But that’s just me. Maybe the leather holder makes it worth it? It’s all in the eye of the beholder, I guess.

 
  1. The $3,000 jellyfish tank
The jellyfish tank
 

Jellyfish: they’re quieter than a barking dog and easier to look after than cats. If you want pets more dangerous than fish, they need a tank – I don’t know about spending almost $3,000 on one, although the ‘Darwin Tank’ aquarium probably looks way cooler than a lava lamp when it’s full.

 

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