10 grim places to have sex

If you’re realllyy in the mood, literally anywhere is good. Unless it’s one of these places anyway…

  1. On the beach

Every romantic movie scene where they spontaneously get down and dirty in the sand makes it seem fun and romantic, but in real life? Not so much. Every move will send scratchy sand into every hole and people have actually been hospitalised because of friction burn inside them. If it starts raining, the sand could start sticking to you… Plus, opening your eyes to see old tins and bits of plastic washing ashore is probably a mood killer. If you’re gonna ignore all the warnings and try it anyway, make sure you work out where the tide will come in, in case you get sleepy after. You don’t want a rude awakening.

  1. In a haunted house

… or any building associated with spirits like a hotel where there have been multiple sightings. Unless you’re confident enough to enjoy having loads of eyes watching you, I guess.

  1. In a hospital

Seriously, a few TV shows (remember the one where Monica and Chandler have sex while Rachel gives birth?) have made this seem like it’s not such a bad idea. But depending on what ward you’re in, someone probably died in that room. And, don’t quote me on this, but I’m 99.9% sure they don’t throw out mattress when people die on them. Just saying.

  1. In a car

“Is that a cold seat belt buckle digging into me or are you just happy to see me?”

Someone knocking on the window as you’re about to finish? Probably not a turn on. Especially if you’re in the middle of nowhere and there shouldn’t be anyone around for miles… And NEVER in your girlfriend’s dad’s car. Not if you like having your dick attached to your body.

  1. On a water bed

It sounds romantic like the beach, but the squelching noises aren’t so funny when you’ve already fallen off the bed five times.

  1. On public transport

Hard plastic seats and an old man squinting at you? You know the driver can probably see you in the mirrors as well, right? And so will the guy who’s about to get on at the next stop.

  1. In an alleyway

You’re in the heat of the moment and can’t wait any longer, so you run down the alley for a quickie. Halfway through, you notice the stinking bins, a rat runs over your new trainers, and to top it all off, a cook from the takeaway next door comes to dump another bag of rubbish in the bin you’re leaning against. And if you’re lucky, you won’t get arrested and accused of banging a prostitute (or being a prostitute).

  1. In the woods

Battling bugs and places to fall over so you can lie on the cold, hard ground with sticks digging into your back? Or maybe you’d prefer to lean up against a tree and get bark stuck in your nail bed? Sounds like a blast (although maybe not literally).

  1. In a stadium bathroom

The excitement of the game got you all excited? Plant your feet on the sticky floor (and hope it’s just sticky from beer) while keeping your nose pinched so the smell of shit wafting through the door doesn’t make you be sick all over your lucky partner. Have fun trying not to touch the toilet seat and a hundred amped-up drunk guys cheer behind you. Paints quite a picture, huh? Sounds like effort. Just wait to get home like the rest of us.

They’re not cheering for you, but if it helps, you can imagine they are. If you can successfully cum during all this, while ignoring the pounding on the door as someone begs to take a piss, you deserve to be cheered for.

A clip was shared of a couple fucking on a stadium bathroom floor in 2009 during an MNF game in North Texas. They got an applause when they left the toilet. So maybe you will get cheered on? Still not sure it’s worth it, but that’s just me.

  1. In a hot tub

Another one that seems sexy, especially with the bubbles turned on. If you like things that have a risk of UTIs (a urinary tract infection which makes it painful to piss), go for it! And btw, it isn’t true that you don’t need to wear a condom – it doesn’t matter how sexy the other person is, the water will not be hot enough to kill off any potential infections. And if you do wear a condom, it might slide off anyway, or the chlorine might damage the latex. Hot tub baby anyone?

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